NFL Week 5 Report Card

Wow, the report card is a different color! That must mean the NFL has progressed! Congraduations, NFL!

Sweet smiley sticker!

Turf: A few typos on the end zone turf this week, so that’s a little embarrassing. Come on, Detroit Loins!

Stadium Seats: We’re actually missing a lot of data this weekend! Reportedly FedEx Stadium, home of the Washington Footballs, was a ghost town. Quarterback Colt McCoy’s wife and kids were there, and veteran Running Back Adrian Peterson’s mom was there for some of the game, but she left after the 3rd quarter. The other 75 people in attendance were Patriots fans… and 1 Buffalo Bills fan who was re-gifted rewarded with a free ticket from work as a punishment thank you for perfect attendance. Grading that on a solid C.

Mascots: So many mascots, some of them are cats. The Jacksonville Jaguars and Carolina Panthers played each other, but unfortunately there was only one cat in attendance. Sir Purr is freaking great, but the more cool cats the better, we always say.

London Games: Great work, NFL! The Chicago Bears and Oakland Raiders made their way across the Atlantic and played in London. London residents were even nice enough to hold the game in the middle of the night so that fans in the United States could watch the game at its regular time.

Beer: 7 out of 10 football viewers had a cold one during the games! The other 3 are either underage or pregnant. Good job drinking responsibly, everyone!

Pizza Deals: This week only 45% of pizza restaurants offered deals for football victories. Apparently, if your team plays in the UK, you only get discounts on tea and the groupon to take your photo with a cardboard cutout featuring the Queen and the newest Royal Baby Archie.

Truck Commercials: We think we want the luxury pick-up with the heated, leather truck bed. Its tailgate turns into an escalator, you really can’t compete with that.

New York: New York has the most football teams per capita than any other state!

Titans: We see ten titans. How many do you see?

Footballs: Definitely seeing an improvement in footballs. The NFL is hoping to see an increase in football sales this quarter. They’re increasing advertising, so viewers don’t get confused with all the other sports starting up this month. The NFL is also encouraging players to chuck the football into the crowd any time they feel like celebrating! (LA Rams QB Jared Goff threw a football into the stadium after he realized they were serving his fave flavor of Gatorade!) NFL Accounts Receivable plans to bill the teams for each “lost” football.

Mouthguard Fails: Fewer mouthguard drops in week 5 than in previous weeks, but even a single mouthguard fail is too many. This is flu season, people! If your mouthguard gets too nasty, you have to replace it. And we all know Big Mouthguard doesn’t need any more money!

Fun: So much fun was had! Especially by the New England Patriots. Not so much fun had by Washington Footballs coach Jay Gruden. Coach Gruden had to go into work early on Monday so he could fire himself, and things got a little heated. The Washington Footballs are going to use a random number generator to call their plays in Sunday’s game against the Miami Dolphins; it only goes up to 10, so between the offense and defense, they can only have 10 unique plays–but the front office is confident that fans will see an improvement in play and attitude. GL to the team and to Coach Gruden on his job search!


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