This season has been a mess for the quarterback position in fantasy. The 2019 Quarterback Curse is still going strong, there’s no knowing who the next victim will be. Some experts tell you not to even start a QB because he could go down at any time. And there’s nothing worse than watching your 2nd round draft pick throw an opening-drive interception and then immediately get sidelined by rabies. But as Coach Bruce Arians always says, no risky biscuits!
Sam Darnold, Jets: Darnold’s doctors are finally letting him play again! Spleen Watch 2019 has come to a close! Rumor has it Sam Darnold’s spleen doctor was starting the Philly defense last weekend. But it never hurts to play it safe when it comes to spleens, the body’s most mysterious organ. Scientists don’t know how they work or even where they are!
Kyler Murray, Cards: Murray is the youngest quarterback in the NFL! And you can’t stop youth, baby, gonna party all our lives n live forever & never get cursed. Also the Cardinals have a home game in Glendale, so they have home-climate advantage.
Bonus Kyler Murray, also Cards: Slip your commish a couple hundos and he or she may make a special custom slot for you to play a second Kyler Murray! (This one will be wearing an away jersey so you don’t get him mixed up with Regular Kyler Murray.)
Aaron Rodgers, Packs: Fantasy owners are well aware that Rodgers didn’t throw any touchdown passes last weekend. As the most competitive QB in history, Rodgers will definitely want to improve his stats against the Packs’ NFC rivals the Detroit Loins. Potential curses will either be used to fuel his righteous fury or absorbed by the offensive line.
Tom Brady, Pats: Always start Brady. Even when he’s on bye. His all-natural clean diet of non-processed foods, white meat only, and the blood of innocents makes him immune to the 2019 Curse. Sources close to Brady say that there is a painted portrait of the QB in his attic, and the portrait depicts him with a broken arm. Spooky.
Luke Falk, Jets: Now that our protagonist Sam Darnold is back, Falk will just fade away awkwardly. Try not to look at him, it will just make you anxious.
Baker Mayfield, Browns: Mayfield has had his busiest week ever. He was interviewed this week by NFL human resources employees in their investigation of his hours and wages. But taking the time to answer all their questions put him even more behind on QB practice, stadium sweeping, field overseeding, and game day pretzel folding! Not to mention he played on Monday, so he’s already a day behind… an overworked fella like him doesn’t have the immune system to fight off the 2019 Curse. Hard sit.
Big “Ben” “Big Ben” Roethlisbigben, Steels: Don’t forget that everyone’s fave Ben is out for the rest of the season. Hardest sit. (Although you can guarantee he won’t get you negative points by going down to The Curse 2019 after throwing a pick on the first play of the game. Your call.)