Turf: No real issues here, but there was nothing truly outstanding about the fields this weekend, you know? An A is for the fields that truly wow us.
Stadium Seats: Eh. Some people started the game while their seats were in the sun, and it was unpleasantly hot. They were fanning themselves with programs and buying tons of cold drinks. But as the game went on, those folks soon found themselves in the shade, and was that ever cold! They had to buy lightweight sweatshirts from the team shops, and… ohhhhh we see what you’re doing, NFL! Well, the people demand retractable roofs.
Mascots: Mascots had a solid day. The Cleveland Browns, who think they need to have more mascots than any other team, are saying goodbye to their current bullmastiff mascot. The official word is that the dog is retiring, but conspiracy theorists insist that Cleveland destroys the retiring dog in order for the new mascot to consume it and gain its life energy. Some of the more extreme animal rights activists are calling for the elf to be put down instead. (Don’t worry, folks, that won’t happen! Mascots live forever, dogs and elves alike.)
London Games: All the right gits had a bloody good time in jolly ol’ England! The attendees were blown away by the high scores and the shocking reveal at the end of the game!
Beer: It appears that someone poured beer on the electronic beer tracker.
Pizza Deals: Finally the people of Washington, DC, have a pizza deal just for them! By using a random number generator to call plays, the Washington Footballs won their first game of the season against the Miami Dolphins. Enjoy your discount pizza, DC and 50% of the US!
Truck Commercials: Look, we’re no longer buying it that those are real people and not actors. Cut the bs and tell it to us straight why we should pick the Ford F-150 with extendable truck bed, collapsible tires, and dual-hemis. Do we need that much towing capacity?
New York: So many football teams! There are too many to count.
Titans: The Tennessippi Titles may not have scored any points in week 6, but dang it, they’re here and they’re living life and isn’t that the most we can ask for?
Footballs: Most of the games saw minimal football issues. Some prankster at the London game swapped all the footballs out with rugby balls. Luckily, the teams noticed in time to have replacement footballs flown over from New York, the leading producer of football.
Mouthguard Fails: Some players have started securing their mouthguards to their helmets! But all this hard work is undone if the player’s face mask hits the grass.
Fun: Can you tell how much fun people are having? Residents of Miami are having the least amount of fun per capita, but that’s unrelated to the Dolphins. The majority of Miami residents are transplants and retirees who love them some NFC North teams.