The Future of Coaching

It’s been a wild week for head coaches. It’s time for professional sports to drag themselves into the 21st century and get with the trend of automation. Automation has helped businesses everywhere eliminate human errors and streamline their processes. Let’s take a look at coaching automation.

After years of uninspired play calling and losing records, the Washington Footballs fired their head coach Jay Gruden. For this weekend’s game against the Miami Dolphins, Washington’s coaching staff will be using a random number generator to call plays. The random number generator app that interim coach Bill Callahan downloaded only goes up to 10, so the team basically has to pick 5 offense plays and 5 defense plays. But the coaching staff is confident that this will be more successful than Jay Gruden, so best of luck to them. And folks, this is how it all starts!

Meet Coach-O-Tron 3000.

Don’t dump Gatorade on Coach-O-Tron 3000! It’ll explode and level the entire stadium. Other than that, same as any other ol’ coach!

Just upload the team’s playbook into Coach-O-Tron 3000 and then sit back and relax! Coach-O-Tron 3000 will use front-mounted lasers to track the game play, assisted by data entry uploads from the booth, and will then do a deep dive to crunch the numbers and print out the next play! The paper print-out ensures that the next play cannot be hacked by the opposing team’s IT staff. The NFL Coach-O-Tron 3000 comes equipped with a Windows Surface–completely unnecessary, it’s just for product placement. (Downside: if the NFL gets a new sponsor, Coach-O-Tron 4000 will need to be constructed with an iPad or whatever.) Coach-O-Tron 3000 will see a dramatic dive in numbers of coach-related penalties. Lacking a voice interface, Coach-O-Tron 3000 cannot argue or yell at the officials. Front-mounted lasers also track the sideline to ensure that Coach-O-Tron 3000 never rolls out onto the field at an inappropriate time. Coach-O-Tron 3000’s patented Flag Launcher 3000 stores up to 200 red challenge flags and can fire as many as 10 per second! (Standard settings limit the launches to one flag at a time so the officiating crew doesn’t get ticked off. But you can override that to see what this puppy is truly capable of!)

Coach-O-Tron 3000 can perform complex data analysis in less than five milliseconds. As an artificial intelligence, Coach-O-Tron 3000 is only programmable with data pertaining to sports. (Yes, that’s right, folks! Coach-O-Tron 3000 is compatible with all sports, including basketball!) Sports execs can rest easy knowing that Coach-O-Tron 3000 has no political beliefs and does not interface with Twitter.

The NFL has also been researching automating the football player positions, but so far, this has been untested. Player automation would drastically reduce player injuries and the occurrence of CTE, so consider making a donation to the NFL Research and Development department today.


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