Washington: Keys to Turning Season Around

Football is at an all-time low in popularity in Washington, DC. With the Washington Nationals headed to the World Series (the MLB baseball version of the Super Bowl) and the recent firing of NFL coach Jay Gruden, people are wondering how the Washington Footballs can possibly turn their season around and regain a position of honor in the nation’s capital.

Have a team name that doesn’t cause controversy.
Check! Done and done. Since changing their name to the Washington Footballs, they are no longer viewed as the league villain. Time to improve their approval rating even more.

Score more points than the opposing team.
Pretty straightforward, they just need to gain momentum and keep it.

Block Jay Gruden’s phone number.
Since the “termination” of his “employment contract”, Jay Gruden has been texting interim coach Bill Callahan nonstop. Callahan has been reluctant to block his number because some of the texts seem helpful, but the majority of texts are just angry emojis, selfies taken in the hottest DC coffee shops and sports bars, and videos of cat jump fails.

Jay Gruden has strong opinions about Callahan’s use of the random number generator.

Increase security around play-calling random number generator.
Sources close to Jay Gruden have revealed that he has attempted to hack the random number generator that Washington is using to call plays. At first, he was doing the hacking work himself to try to spell out things like “01134” and “80085”–but this week, he hired a complete IT staff devoted to sabotaging Callahan’s play calls.

Part with some of that $$$.
Buying a few tables at the NFL Referee Fundraising Gala can only help. If Gene Steratore is there, be sure to tell him how important cleanliness is, his side-hustle is a sanitary supplies company. Walt Anderson used to be a dentist, so maybe ask him about his preferred brand of electric toothbrush or how he feels about all the mouth guard drops this season.

Uhhh nice try, Adrian Peterson. You should probably bring the man more champagne, maybe he’ll forget you just called him “Booger.”

When all else fails, go for artificial player enhancement. They say if you rinse your mouth with Listerine and eat sesame seeds, drug tests will not be able to detect PEDs.

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