NFL Week 4 Report Card

Is there remedial NFL?

An ominous note from the teacher! We’re breaking out in hives just looking at it!
  • Turf: Eh. Some players had clods of it in their helmets. If they can make water resistant watches, why can’t they make helmet resistant turfs?
  • Stadium Seats: 50% of stadium attendees are at an angle that messes with their depth perception, and they can’t really tell if their team got the 1st down or not. But the other 50% are totally chill.
  • Mascots: What do you mean Sir Purr doesn’t go to away games??? We wish there were something lower than an F!
  • London Games: Seriously, give the good people of the UK some football already!
  • Beer: Because so many football games were stacked in the morning on Sunday, 3 out of every 4 people were totally schnockered by 2pm. That’s 11am on the West Coast! Wow!
  • Pizza Deals: For the 4th week in a row, 50% of pizza restaurants have offered discounts because the local team won. Hmmmmm. We think the NFL can do better! If you can consistently get 50%, try to bring it up to a 60% next weekend. We’re giving you this failing grade to motivate you, NFL.
  • Truck Commercials: We still don’t know which truck to get. Bring on the holiday commercials, and maybe the grade will go up if we see Santa and some cute puppies.
  • New York: Only two of New York’s football teams showed up this weekend! Better luck next weekend.
  • Titans: The Titennessee Tintins
  • Footballs: Market forces are indicating a huge profit for football manufacturers!
  • Mouthguard Fails: A few major concerns this week, but all in all, above average. Don’t forget to wash your mouth guards every day.
  • Fun: Yeah, we all had fun. But just think of how much more fun we’d have if we saw a truck commercial in which Sir Purr drove the pickup truck of choice (full of free pizza) onto the turf at Wembley Stadium and chucked a bunch of footballs into the cheering crowd?

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