Turf: Well, no one started any fires this week, and the Oakland Raiders had an away game, so we didn’t have to see any Frankenstein fields. Great work, all around!

Stadium Seats: Just average, some people still complaining about the sun in their eyes. Tough to see the fields. Some stadium-goers stand up when they get really excited, and then the people behind them have to stand up in order to see, and then the people behind those people have to stand up in order to see, it’s like a chain reaction. And by the time the people in the top row are on their feet, the play is already over!

Mascots: Where the #%*@ is Sir Purr??? Also since when does elf on a shelf go to Cleveland games? Does this mean that only kids who are Browns fans are getting presents this year?

London Games: Still an F, it’s like Roger Goodell forgot to phone the Queen and schedule games in London.

Beer: The official drink of NFL football!

Pizza Deals: What a streak! Once again, 50% of all pizza places had to offer local team victory discounts! Wow, so great for 50% of us fans!

Truck Commercials: These puppies are just coming out of the woodwork, everybody and their brother is selling a truck anymore. There are even luxury trucks made by Lexus and BMW, if you’re hauling soft goods and footballs.

New York: The most football-havingest state in the onion! But this, folks, is both a blessing and a curse! So many mixed feelings on game day. Residents of Maine and New Hampshire know that they are morally and financially obligated to root for New England. New Yorkers have a little extra soul searching to do!

Titans: The Tennessee Tights

Footballs: The NFL has had to increase production of footballs because of how many are chucked into the crowd each week. Stay tuned for how this will affect the global economy!

Mouthgaurd Fails: Way to go, everyone! NFL players are being more cautious with their mouth guards as flu season looms.

Fun: The NFL strives to strike the perfect balance of fun and competition! Great work so far this year! Good luck to everyone in week 4, play safe and drink responsibly.