NFL Week Two Report Card

The grades have been posted! Let’s see if the NFL is grounded this weekend, or if it can go to the party with all the cool kids from first period world history class.

Turf: Great improvement over last week! Probably because no games were played at Soldier Field.
Stadium Seats: Solid B. No one was wow-ed, and the view wasn’t as good as the view from the couch. But almost everyone could see the field, so the seats get a passing grade. Good job!
Mascots: There were more glimpses of Sir Purr, but the score was dragged down by the replacement for Poe the Raven. At Baltimore’s first regular season home game, the replacement Raven menaced the fans, swooping down to steal nearly $700 in slices of pizza and blasting the crowd with bird diarrhea. Luckily for the grade, Sir Purr was especially cute.
London Games: Another weekend with no American football across the pond. Folks of the UK were especially sad over the weekend, probably because they were just stuck watching soccer. Don’t forget to keep calm the Sabbath day and carry a football!
Beer: Football fans self-reported consuming two beers during Sunday Gameday. Fantastic moderation, everybody!
Pizza Deals: This week, 50% of pizza restaurants have deals inspired by the winning local team. Wow, let’s see if we can get that up to 75% by the end of the season!
Truck Commercials: Do we want an energy-efficient electrical truck or one that spews cool stuff in the air? Undecided! We need to see more ads.
New York: The Home of the Big Apple has the same number of football teams as they did last week, but we think they can do better. What are your plans for improvement, NY?
Titans: The Tennis Titans didn’t win, but they did get to go to New York, they had fun playing football, and they learned a lot. And that is worthy of an A in our books!
Footballs: We don’t know what happened here, but if there’s beer at this supposed “party” you’re hoping to go to, then it better be the official beer of the NFL or else your grounded, young lady!
Mouthguards: We couldn’t believe it, folks. Every single mouthguard that fell on the turf was thoroughly disinfected by team staff! Way to be health-conscious! With all the added pauses, the NFL games were 30% longer than usual. Healthy players and more football? Sign us up!
Fun: All the players who didn’t get injured this week had a fun-tastic time!

If we were looking at the score for “fun” alone, then the NFL would definitely be allowed to go to the cool party! Unfortunately until they can bring up the London Games grade, they’ll have to be grounded. Better luck next week!

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