Pats’ Search for Belichick’s “Successor”

Patriots Owner Robert Kraft has been putting on a show, talking about planning for Head Coach Bill Belichick’s eventual retirement.

“He’ll retire someday,” said Robert Kraft unconvincingly. As if the entire world doesn’t already know about his diabolical plan to have Bill Belichick coach forever, even when he’s a ghost.

“Ha! Of course we wouldn’t make Bill coach after he dies,” laughed Robert Kraft with a little too much amusement.

Indeed, the Pats’ Science Division has been hard at work cooking up a plan to keep Coach B with the team for as long as possible. “Coach Belichick knows what he’s doing,” said the chief scientist. “We don’t want to start over with some newbie coach.”

“You imbecile! The dead guy’s head has to be open, or else we can’t put Bill’s brain in it!”

“It might be suspicious if we put Bill Belichick’s brain inside some rando,” mused a junior scientist. “Then the fans would ask about Joe Schmoe’s qualifications. But if we took somebody who’s already a coach–like Jerod Mayo, for example–and then inserted Bill’s brain, no one would ask questions! ‘Yeah, Jerod knows what he’s doing! Great choice for a coach!’ Foolproof plan.”

“Hey, is that an intrepid reporter?” asked another scientist.

Good luck to Bill Belichick and Jerod Mayo! Be sure to read the fine print on your contracts!

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