Less than ONE DAY after announcing his retirement, geriatric QB Tom Brady is already considering a new NFL contract.

“It would just be a ceremonial thing,” assured Patriots Owner Robert Kraft while brandishing a contract written in blood. “Just one day. Then he can retire a Patriot! Or you know, maybe he decides to keep playing.”

Mr. Kraft, who reportedly earned his billions in the mac and cheese trade, made headlines last year for planning to force Bill Belichick to keep coaching even after he dies.

Be careful, Tom Brady! This could be the devious Mr. Kraft’s plan to steal your soul!

Gisele Bundchen, formerly Mrs. Touchdown Tom, could not be reached for comment.