Newly famous University of Washington Quarterback Michael Penix, Jr., has announced he will return to the Huskies football team for the 2023 season, and all the Washington faculty and staff celebrated.

Money has been pouring in as every football fan and their brother tries to buy their very own Penix Jr. jersey. “Wow, it’s only one letter off from the word ‘penis'”, said an excited football fan holding a wad of cash. “I just drained my bank account, going to buy as many penis jerseys as I can! You can’t get an investment like this every day!”

Washington alumni are thrilled with the influx of money to their alma mater and are eagerly anticipating a new dorm or academic building.

“I don’t pay much attention to the football program,” shared an organic chemistry professor who wished to remain anonymous. “But with all the Michael Penix jersey sales, maybe we’ll be able to finally buy some new centrifuges. I’ve been having the undergrads just spin in circles while holding the samples, in exchange for extra credit. But that only works some of the time.”

“New centrifuges?” Scoffed a professor of dentistry. “Please. With the sales from the penis jerseys, we could afford to buy actual teeth!”

What would you spend the penis money on? Comment below!