NFL Week Twelve Report Card

Everyone pat yourself on the back, we made it to week 12 of football season! Is your fantasy team in last place? Ours sure is!

Turf: B for BORING. The turf used to be cool and controversial. It’s about time someone paints a big middle finger on the 50-yard line to spice things up. What do you mean there are kids at the game? Pffft, they’ve seen worse at school.

Stadium Seats: Now that a lot of places have subzero temperatures, people are loving going to the football game! Who needs a squishy couch and a sherpa blanket when you could be sitting on a cold wood slab? True football fans flip comfort the middle finger.

Mascots: Awww these cutie patooties were doing their most radical tricks! Backflips and t-shirt cannons. Cool! But the grown-ups at the game started to get bored. Maybe you’d get an A+ if the mascots flipped the ol’ middle finger to the visiting fans.

London Games: Folks in London were disappointed yet again. They could have been at home watching non-American football, but instead they dragged themselves over to Wembley on a work night. And what do they get for their efforts? A big middle finger, that’s what.

Beer: YEAH!!! In America, the streets are paved with beer!

Pizza Deals: C for COME ON, just give the other half pizzas already. Folks in Philadelphia haven’t been able to enjoy their cheesesteaks because they’re just priced into eating pizza all the time.

Truck Commercials: We saw some doozies this week. Our favorite was the one where the guy takes his gf out to the middle of nowhere and whistles and a cute puppy comes bounding out from behind a tree. Well, she doesn’t really want a puppy, she didn’t think their relationship was at that level, so she whistles and a BIG HONKING TRUCK with a million horsepower engine BLASTS through a bunch of trees, smoke spewing everywhere, the trees are on fire now, and then it flattens the puppy. It was pretty gruesome for daytime TV, but you know, we don’t call the shots.

New York: Fun fact: New York has three football teams! How many football teams do you think would fit in the state? The person who answers closest wins a jar of M&Ms.

Titans: The Tintinsee Tents were the hosts with the mosts in week 12! The visiting Cincinatti Bangles had a great time playing against their pals the Titas. Even when they don’t score the most points, the Tentsee Tinnitus always have a blast doing what they do best!

Footballs: An okay grade for footballs. Maybe it’s time to try something new, like making the footballs round.

Mouthguards: It was a pretty good weekend for mouthguards until some mook on the sidelines just grabbed all the players’ mouthguards and put them in a big bag and said, “We’ll sort ’em out later!”

Fun: Almost everyone had fun this weekend, especially the Titans and their friends and frenemies. We all know the motto of football season: Football, Family, Fun, Beer, and More Beer.

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