NFL Week Eight Report Card

Let’s see how the NFL did this week!

Whoa, a sticker!


Turf: There were no major turf mishaps during week eight. Good job doing the bare minimum, turves!

Stadium Seats: Most people liked their seats well enough. Idea for improvement: replace each seat with a working toilet so people don’t have to miss any of the high-flying football action to wait in line for the john.

Mascots: There were some wacky antics from the league’s most lovable NFL team members! Excellent work, as always, the mascot approval rating is at an all-time high of 94%. Everybody loves mascots and nobody thinks they’re dumb or smelly. Life goals!

London Games: Great job, everybody! Folks from the Denver Broncos and Jacksonville Jaguars crossed the pond to play in famous Wembley Stadium, the home of the other kind of football. Maybe next week, the NFL can send even more players to London. We’d like to suggest all of the players on our fantasy opponent’s roster!

Beer: Alright beer, good work. Everybody loved all the neat pumpkin and apple varieties that came out in October. But you’re going to have to step up your game and come up with something better than turkey beer.

Pizza Deals: Yet again, 50% of pizza places across the country had to give discounts because the local team won! If you live in Florida, Texas, New York, or California, you’re basically priced into ordering pizza twice a week of more. That’s just math for you. If you live in one of the Dakotas, Wyoming, or Nebraska, you might always have to pay full price for your pizza. Come on, NFL! Let’s get some expansion teams!

Truck Commercials: We get that people don’t want to skip straight from Halloween to Christmas. But enough of the commercials where cute toddlers say they’re most thankful for their mom’s Ford F-1 Built Tuff Pickup. Kids don’t even know what it means to build a truck tuff. And neither do we.

New York: Isn’t it about time we had a team based in Niagara Falls, New York? Maybe instead of exporting football to London every year, the US could do a more cost-effective export to London. Besides, the NFL is lagging behind other sports in embracing international teams! The NBA, NHL, and MLB all have Canadian teams. Get with the program, football!

Titans: America’s Sweethearts the Tennessees Titan traveled all the way to Texas and got another W! Even if they ended up with an L, the Titans would have gotten an A because they’re Titins, they’re Titanic, they play Tintin football, and they love what they do.

Footballs: Very few football fails this week! Florida men were on the lookout to see if Tom Brady would deflate the pigskins in a fit of rage and despair, but 100% of footballs were game-ready.

Mouthguards: All the football folks who dropped their mouthguards had them thoroughly sanitized before resuming play! We don’t know about you, but we think it’s about time for the NFL to introduce an infection control protocol.

Fun: That’s pretty good! But we know that to have maximum fun, we need more beer, more turves, more New York, more mascots (we’re looking at you, Green Bay!), more footballs, more trucks, and for the love of everything holy, more freaking pizza. Let’s study hard and finish the year strong!

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