Tom Brady spends entire year’s salary on FedEx, UPS

Peyton Manning isn’t the only one who wants his retirement gift back. Just this month, Tom Brady has spent his entire salary on shipping to return various retirement presents from well-wishers.

You forgot to seal that box, Tom Brady!

Here is a list of just some of the things Tom Brady has mailed back to his friends, family members, and colleagues.

  • $500 of charitable donations “in honor of your retirement”. Oof.
  • 250 retirement cards.
  • 17 hate-mail letters.
  • 25 already-chewed sticks of gum. Ew.
  • 2 full bottles of wine.
  • 1 half-drunk bottle of wine.
  • 6 empty bottles of wine with “I O U” stickers.
  • 15 lbs. of frozen steaks.
  • 2 lbs. of thawed steaks.
  • A uh… bag of human labeled “last night’s steak, sorry”. That’s too far, man.
  • 5 gag-gift walkers that say “Over the Hill!!!” on the handles. So funny!
  • 1 slightly-used golf club and a rescinded invitation to go golfing with an old pal.
  • 1 puppy. Ice. Cold.
  • 1 marble statue of Tom Brady, engraved with “Congrats on your Retirement, Touchdown Tom!” It’s going to be hard to re-gift that one.
  • 2 Zippo lighters engraved with “Congraduations, Tom! You did It!” What are the odds that two folks got the exact same engraving???
  • 8 cigar cutters, 5 of which are engraved with “Happy Retirement, you son of a ” and 3 with “FINALLY”.
  • 1 cryogenically frozen Tom Brady clone, grown without a brain for the purpose of harvesting organs with fewer ethical dilemmas. Whoa. Can the clone enter the NFL draft?
  • 1 can of cheese whiz.
  • 30 pet goats. Oh, we get it, because he’s the GOAT. That’s annoying.
  • 10 gift certificates for goat yoga sessions. Not as clever as the gift givers think it is.
  • 2 stuffed goats, done by an expert taxidermist, 1 wearing a sign around it’s neck saying, “Congrats to the GOAT!” and 1 with a sign that says, ” you, Tom Brady! You ing piece of !” We hope that’s an inside joke, that’s a lot of effort to go through!

Maybe people will save the gifts for Tom Brady’s actual retirement! But we doubt it, no one is going to fall for that one again!

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