The most divisive topic in the Football Community isn’t helmet safety, the Washington Footballs, or the National Anthem. It’s Grass versus Artificial Grass.

We thought this debate was settled a long time ago, but the folks wearing the biggest wigs in journalism are churning out content to get us all fired up again. Just when things were stalking to calm down!

Let’s look at the key facts about Regular Turf v. Artificial Turf.

Grass aka Regular Turf

• Grass is 100% all-natural no added msg.
• If grass is undisturbed and given some sunshine, the parts that get torn up by football cleats will regrow on their own in 7-10 business days. If you can’t leave the grass alone for that long, you will have to hot glue every single blade into place after the game. Sorry, man, that’s just how it is.
• If given the opportunity, grass would straight-up kill a human being in cold blood. Grass is just a bad dude with a bad ‘tude.
• Regular grass prefers melee weapons, specializing in swords, clubs, and scythes.
• The vast majority of sporting events in history were played on grass. Even hockey used to be played on grass.
• Real grass reportedly gives people the runs.
• Real grass DM’s your significant other when it knows you have to work late. That’s a party foul.
• Regular grass was overhead making a joke about 9/11. Seriously, that’s not cool.
• Grass is used primarily by teams that actively try to injure players, both their own team and their opponents. If you like football with a lot of kick-ass, gut-wrenching, gnarly PLAYER INJURIES, then you definitely want to pick real, bona fide grass.

Artificial Turf

• Artificial turf is sometimes just called Astro Turf. But Astro Turd is actually a brand of artificial grass! Who knew?
• Fake Turf gets its realistic texture from fetal stem cells. We smell controversy!
• Artificial Turf can be recycled and made into different turf. But it can only be made into different artificial turf, it can’t be made into regular grass.
• Artificial Grass prefers ranged weaponry like crossbows and revolvers.
• Artificial Turf reportedly “sucks” and is only used by sports that “are stupid and smell”.
• Artificial Turf says it’s more spiritual than religious.
• Artificial Turf still makes “That’s what she said” jokes.
• Fake Grass will argue that the Earth is flat and fart at inappropriate times.
• Fake grass is used primarily by teams that HATE tradition and want to take a huge diarrhea dump all over the teams’ history. If you love the smell of cheap plastic and new cars and you want to share that love with everyone who comes to a football game, then artificial turf is for you.

We hope this clears things up and helps you decide what side of the aisle you want to be on when it comes to what the ideal football field is made of.