NFL Week 7 Report Card

Boom.

No comments this week! That’s either good or bad.

Turf: A
The turf was unreal awesome this week. There was a sweet slip and slide in Washington. After 99% of the fans (and two of the refs!) left after the 3rd quarter, players from both Washington and the 49ers decided not to play out the rest of the game and just play slip and slide.

Stadium Seats: C
Bleachers are hella uncomfortable in some places. All NFL team shops have started selling branded foam cushions to improve seating, but like all branded merch, these cushions are sold at a 425% markup. In Miami, a seat cushion costs more than the season tickets.

Mascots: B+
Last week, we saw the final appearance of the Cleveland Browns’ live mascot Swagger the Bullmastiff. After his “retirement”, Swagger’s son Swagger Jr. (SJ, for short) will be taking over. But first SJ’s handlers have to get him to stop attacking Coach Freddie Kitchens on sight! Since the “retirement” of Swagger, Kitchens has been to the ER three times for dog bites and received twenty-six stitches. Kitchens reportedly believes that his numerous football enemies have turned SJ against him. He started lobbying on Thursday for a new live mascot–something more user friendly like a lobster.

London Games: F
Not sure what happened, if the teams forgot or what. The lovely folks of London showed up to Wembley Stadium, home of the London Wembleys, and it was completely empty. They waited around for a little while to see if the teams were making a wild entrance, but then they heard the Queen’s corgis were in a nearby park, so they left to check that out.

Beer: yes, please
‘Nuff said.

Pizza Deals: C
Great work, everyone! 50% of teams won their games, so the fans get neat discounts on pizza.

Truck Commercials: C+
In the United States, over 17,000 truck commercials are shown each minute! That’s more than the number of babies born every minute. If truck commercials were babies, there would be major overpopulation.

New York: B+
New York has a lot of football teams! Going for quantity over quality for now–but if they keep churning out football teams at this rate, in a few more years, it could be the Top State for Football Talent.

Titans: A
The Tennessee Tents
Tent See Tights
Tnesseennes Ttsani
Are you a Titan? ‘Cause you’re the only ten I see!

Footballs: B-
One for one! For every football you purchase, Roger Goodell will donate a football to a homeless child.

Mouthguard Fails: B
For every mouthguard that hits the ground, Roger Goodell will donate a gently used mouthguard to a no-kill animal shelter. So thoughtful!

Fun: A
The team that had the most fun this weekend was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers!

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