Utah Residents Hopeful MLB Will Leave Them Alone

The Utah Sadist Club is trying to get the Major Baseball to put a team in Salt Lake City, but other Utah residents are optimistic that the request will fall through.

“This has long been a goal of ours,” said the co-chairperson of the Sadist Club. “Bring in a fancy pro team that no one wants to watch and then build a snazzy ballpark so people feel obligated to go to games and maybe their bosses think it would be a cool mandatory fun after-work activity so they have to go watch a boring sport while hanging out with a bunch of coworkers that they secretly don’t like. It’s going to be amazing.”

“There definitely isn’t any room in Salt Lake City for a baseball stadium,” assured the Salt Lake City mayor’s assistant. “The empty lots are earmarked for a different purpose. Don’t panic, folks.”

“I hear there’s a lot of room over in Wyoming, maybe they would like a team,” suggested a Utah resident.

“Uh, sorry, we can’t,” said Wyoming. “Everyone knows bison don’t like baseball. We have to keep the bison happy so tourists can pet them and everything. South Dakota?”

“Sry, no can do,” said the Dakota. “We heard Utah called dibs, so we’ll let them go first. We think you can make room for a teeny tiny baseball park, right Salt Lake City.”

“YES,” shouted the members of the Utah Sadist Club.

“I can’t wait to take the whole accounting department to a ball game,” said a Utah boss.

Good luck in the good fight, Utah residents!

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