Aaron Rodgers, the elderly quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, has emerged from his Darkness Retreat! Unfortunately for Wisconsin residents, the eccentric QB saw his shadow, so they can expect an extra six weeks of winter, in addition to the punishment doled out by the dastardly Punxsutawney Phil.
“Aaron feels great,” reported a source close to the former Jeopardy! host. “He didn’t even need to stay in the darkness for the full four days. That’s how sharp he is, he only needed half that time to achieve mental clarity.”
“He’s like a brand new person,” said a Packers insider. “He feels refreshed and has an insatiable craving for raw meat. We can’t wait to see him on the field!”