In an act called “the most unpatriotic incident since Benedict Arnold said he hated Betsy Ross and her ‘stupid garbage flag'”, the Washington Commanders struck down the undefeated Philadelphia Eagles, the very mascot of the great Untied States.
“This is the ultimate betrayal,” said Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni. “The entire city is in shock. We’re the home of the Liberty Bell for ‘s sake.”
This upset may have greater consequences for the country. Ornithologists have reported flocks of bald eagles departing the country in protest. According to one expert in the field, the herds of eagles are visible from space.
“We could always change the US mascot to a different bird,” suggested Baltimore head coach John Harbaugh. “I hear ravens are good choice.”