NFL Week Ten Report Card

The 2022 NFL season is ten weeks old! Happy birthday.

Turf: Keep up the mediocre work!
Stadium Seats: Only 35% percent of people sitting in a seat at the stadium were comfortable with their seat and didn’t regret driving to a stadium, sitting too far away to really see the action, sitting behind a guy cosplaying as Abraham Lincoln with one of those tall hats, and not just watching the game in the comfort of their own recliner.
Mascots: Fantastic work, as usual! Stay cute!
London Games: Well. We don’t know how the NFL screwed this one up. Our pals across the pond travelled all the way to Wembley to watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the oldest living quarterback Tom Brady take on the Seattle Seahawks and the oldest living coach Pete Carroll. Well, they were out of luck! Because somehow The Buccaneers and Seahawks were 700 miles away. In Germany.
Beer: Germany wasn’t expecting to get an American football game, but luckily Munich had a bunch of leftover beer from Oktoberfest! Prost! We hope you drank along at home at 7am on the west coast!
Pizza Deals: It’s like they’re not even trying. Fifty % percent of the country was disappointed because they told the kids they’d have pizza this week, but then the home team lost so now they don’t get a sweet discount on pizza. Instead they have to settle for the Boston Market “we’re sorry your team lost, here, have some expired green beans and some chicken paws soaked in glue” discount. Eat up, losers.
Truck Commercials: Here’s a fact for y’all. 80% of the people who purchase a truck are a high school or college kid who just wants to look cool driving a truck, they don’t actually have anything to haul around in a truck. Maybe a backpack with a math textbook and some soccer cleats. That’s it. And then in a few years when all their friends are moving into new apartments and houses, suddenly they’re on the hook to help everyone move because everyone else bought a practical electric car. Truck companies really need to rethink their commercials!
New York: Syracuse has a cool orange college team, maybe it’s time to give them a cool orange NFL team.
Titans: America’s darlings the Tennis Titans delivered the home crowd a big win against the Denver Broncos! But even if they didn’t win, they would still get an A for being the most titanic teamest team out there.
Footballs: You know what you did.
Mouthguards: NFL insiders report that nearly five percent % of mouthgaurds fell in dog poo. We don’t know how this happened, but stats don’t lie.
Fun: Almost everybody had fun! Except for the folks in London, who just had to watch the Wembley staff touch up the turf for four hours.

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