Behind the Scenes of an NFL Trade

If you’ve been living under a rock, you might have missed the shocking trade between the Carolina Panthers and the San Francisco 49ers! Longtime Panthers running back Christian McCaffrey was traded to the 49ers in exchange for some draft pics and a ceramic dalmatian.

After a player is traded, we will never again see them in public wearing gear from their old team. As you can imagine, this is tough because the players get all kinds of cool branded merch so they can rep their team while they’re out grocery shopping or walking their dog.

Let’s take a peek at what the NFL does behind the scenes to prevent any of these fashion faux-pas’s from happening!

  • 30 seconds after the ink has dried on the new contract, the NFL secret police show up at the NFL player’s house. Whoa!!!
  • The closets are ransacked, and all clothing of the former team is confiscated. The NFL can’t allow even the wives, children, or pets to be seen wearing some joggers or a sweater from the ex-team.
  • All clothing is incinerated on-site.
  • Any branded couches, lamps, garden gnomes, or kitchen appliances featuring the former team are removed.
  • Every piece of non-clothing, non-electronic merchandise is promptly fed into a woodchipper (which arrives on-site five minutes after the NFL secret police).
  • Branded appliances are yanked violently (per instructions) from the walls and crushed in a hydraulic press (which is scheduled to arrive five minutes after the woodchipper).
NFL secret police wouldn’t even let Christian McCaffrey eat the Panthers toast he had just made! That’s how serious the NFL is about branding.
  • Did the player win a super bowl ring with the former team? Sorry, buddy, them’s the brakes! That sucker will be melted down within 48 hours.
  • And you probably don’t want to know what they do if the player has an ex-team tattoo!

Good luck in San Francisco, Christian McCaffrey!

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