Phoenix Doctors Warn Against Reading Suns News

Phoenix funeral homes HATE this one trick that doctors are advising for local sports fans!

The trick for keeping your heart healthy this summer: DON’T read Phoenix Suns trade news!

Phoenix area doctors, hospitals, and Alexas that are monitoring folks’ Fitbits are reporting a shocking increase in heartrate ever since the Kevin Durant trade rumors gained traction.

Whoa! Uh, maybe do some goat yoga?

Your Amazon Echo isn’t the only one being overworked. Phoenix employers are reporting record-breaking decreases in worker productivity. “Everyone is constantly refreshing the news on their phones,” lamented one Phoenician business owner. “Look, we love the Suns, too, but these chickens aren’t going to rotisserie themselves.”

Funeral homes, however, are encouraging people to check Suns news as often as possible. “You gotta follow the Suns,” insisted one mortician. “You never know when the Kevin Durant news could break! Just think–you could be the first person to retweet the good news! ABC15 might even show your pic. That’s why you can’t close your news app, even if you’re driving or using a jackhammer or doing brain surgery.”

Well, we disagree! Don’t give in to Big Death industry, everyone. Keep your eyes on the road or hammer or the open-skull interior wrinkle meat, and just let Siri keep you updated!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s