So you’re thinking about attending a college football game! It’s always neat to see the NCAA NFL Jr. Salary-Men at work.

Here’s what you can expect at the game.

Hearing: The Marching Band Versions of Your Fave 80s Songs
Whoa, the marching band is doing a tribute to U2 at halftime! Now you can hear what the songs Apple foisted onto your iPhone sound like when played by hungover 20-year-olds with trumpets!

Taste: Beer and Nachos
If you’re not drinking a beer, you’re doing football dirty. Get yourself some nachos, too, you’re about to work up an appetite.

Sight: Not Much
Oh no, are you sitting behind some students? They’re going to stand the whole game because they’re young, and they don’t accidentally injure themselves by sleeping funny or reaching for a glass on the top shelf. And if you want to see any of the game, you’ll have to channel your inner youth and get on your feet! Stuff some nachos in your pie hole and start making noise.

Smell: Nachos
You shelled out $30 for the deluxe nacho tray with extra goopy cheese and jalapenos, so you better be getting a whiff of that.

Touch: A Bunch of Drunk Strangers
Whoa, what a play! The fella wearing our colors did a score! Time to high-five or dance with the folks sitting around you who you’ve never met before and will probably never see again! You’re all rooting for the same team, so it’s probably time to entrust them with your life and let them toss you in the air.

Be safe, everyone!