At the young age of 25, tackle John Penisini of the Detroit Loins has announced his retirement, devastating fans and fantasy football team owners.
Jersey sales have skyrocketed after the announcement as folks around the globe seize the opportunity to buy an NFL jersey with the word “penis” on it.
“You never know when this opportunity will come around again,” said one football fan who doesn’t even root for the Lions. “It could be decades. My grandkids may have to buy the next penis jersey for me, and by then, I might be too old to appreciate it.”
“The Penis-Man was the linchpin of my fantasy season,” lamented one fantasy owner. “Obviously the plan was to draft the Lions defense, name my team something dick-related, you know? Really impress the guys in my league. But now that dream is dead.”
Best wishes for your retirement, Mr. Penisini! And if you decide you miss football, you know you’d be welcome on any team!