Alex Smith triggers wave of social media retirement announcements

Yesterday, quarterback Alex Smith, most recently of the Washington Footballs, announced his retirement on Instagram! Whoa!! What a hip move! We wish you the best, Alex Smith!

Now people across the country are announcing their retirements on social media, and Human Resources Directors are scrambling to keep track of them all. Alex Smith took to Instagram, but the younger folks are turning to Snapchat–and boy, has that put HR in a pickle!

Snapchat pics disappear forever after 30 seconds. So spooky! If no one finds your retirement message, can you still retire? Arizona Cardinals HR specialists briefly thought that they saw a Larry Fitzgerald retirement announcement. When they tried to doublecheck, they instead saw this unsettling message:

Dang it! Now we’ll never know!

Reps for Larry Fitzgerald, one the seven wonders of the Southwest, have assured us that Mr. Fitzgerald will be back next year. And because it’s Snapchat, we’ll never know what he actually posted!

Similar mystery posts appeared from hundreds of players, including official Derrick Henry–the most titanic of the Tennessee Titans–and Alvin Kamara–also titanic, but from the New Orleans Saints. Nine days away from the Real NFL Actual Not-a-Mock-Draft Draft, Titans and Saints are revisiting their draft strategies, just in case these turn out to be actual retirement announcements.

To make things worse, some of the disappearing Snapchat retirement announcements are followed by an emoji! Silly us, we thought emojis were supposed to help clarify how the writer is feeling! But take a look at this smug little :

What does that even mean? Did Cam Newton type this because he’s smiling and laughing at his joke about retiring? Or is he smiling because he’s actually retiring and he’ll never have to spend another winter in New England? We may never know!

Good luck to Alex Smith and any other retirees!

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