NFL Week 3 Report Card

Week 3 is in the books!

If the NFL were a kid, it would have to do something about Trucks before it was allowed to go to the party on Friday.

Crowd Noise. Pretty varied this weekend. Not as loud as a typical football Sunday in the Old Normal More-Certain Times. Still very lacking in boos, though. Visiting teams and refs are having a field day.

Mascots. A little concerning that mascots aren’t wearing face masks. Yeah, we get it, Big Science isn’t telling us whether or not a bear or a jet can spread Covid-19. (Bear maybe? Jet probably not, it doesn’t even have lungs and it’s made out of aluminum or whatever.) Be safe out there, mascots! Our teams need you!

Beer. Are you drinking a beer that has pumpkin flavoring? We have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, yeah, let’s get pumped about Halloween. On the other hand, oof. Chuck that sh*t out the window and grab a frosty bottle of donkey piss. You’ve earned it, baby!

Pizza. Are you lacking any motivation to prepare healthy meals on the weekend? We sure are! After surviving the work week, our butts are glued to the couch from Sunday Morning Football kickoff until our late night news is done interviewing local residents who one time saw Larry Fitzgerald at the grocery store. Let John Murphy’s Hut deliver you an effortless dinner!

California. We’re on to you, Los Angeles! We know all about your plan to take over the NFL. Very creative! New York wasn’t able to pull it off, but maybe you can do better. After all, they say CaliforniCAN when New YorkCAN’t.

Trucks. Seriously, NFL! You played Fortnite for 10 hours and didn’t even get your trucks done?? Now how are we supposed to haul 4,000 lbs of granite uphill to the rodeo?

Tortilla Chips. It would be awful to give Planet Earth’s Number #3 Game Day Food anything less than an A+!

Titans. Not only did the Tennennessee Titans play a game on Sunday, they won it. A+, gentlemen. America’s Sweetheart Team is at it again!

Fantasy Football. This one is really dragging down the GPA this year. Might need to drop this class… faster than your fantasy team dropped Mitchell Trubisky after Sunday’s fiasco! Buh dum tsssssss. (lol jk, keep your head up, Mitchell Trubisky! We’re just joshing you, we believe in you!)

Touchdown Dances. Everyone running over to that weird screen in the end zone and doing a pose. Huh. We just want a cha cha slide or something.

Fun. Remember when you’re stressing about your fantasy team–football is synonymous for fun! (If you’re like us and forgot 8th grade English class, a synonym is a word that sounds like another word so much that they have the same definition.) Even if you’re bummed about your first round draft pick bust, your players are out there, doing their thing and having a ball!

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