As Disney attempts a slow take-over of the NBA by transferring all teams to Disney Land, American sports spectators are asking themselves how FIFA managed to beat Covid-19 and re-open British soccer.

It was a sad day across the United States last month when thousands of people saw “Football” scrolling down the TV Guide channel. After excitedly flipping to a channel they’d never seen before, collective faces fell upon realizing that what they saw was actually the British-English word for soccer.

So how did FIFA-Football-Soccer-19 win its fight against Covid-19? Let’s look at their strategy.

1. Soccer Balls. Lots of them. MLB is currently fabricating bats of different sizes to determine the best size to hit a soccer ball. (It’s a quick fix, we know, but America wants baseball in the summer!)
2. Being in Britain. The British Branch of Disney Land, called Disneyshireford, is being considered as an alternate site for NBA games. Unfortunately, the court is measured with the metric system, and court reconstruction would be pricey! Not to mention, math experts are working from home now, so the conversions would take too long. (Remember math from 5th grade? It’s been awhile!)
3. Lying to the players. Look, it’s way more fun to play a sport when you run out on the field to cheering fans! The FIFA UK department is telling players that the stadiums are jam packed with adoring spectators. Behind the scenes, FIFA staff members spend hours recording fake crowd noise to pump into the stadium. Oof. Crowd noise is tailored to every team and includes fake announcements! The jig was almost up last week when the fake announcement stated that a car was about to be towed and the fake license plate number happened to be a real license plate–for the keeper’s car! Dude started running off the field to move his car before the coach stopped him and said he’d move it himself. Crisis averted!
4. Photoshop. To keep the players happy and excited to keep playing their fave sport, newspapers have to digitally alter all the photos to show a packed stadium. Worth it!

Soccer balls just became the #1 British export. Good luck, everyone, stay safe and healthy!