Everybody loves mascots. They get the crowd pumped up, they throw us free t-shirts, they go to cool charity events. They’re cute and fun. But many beloved mascots are based on real life DEADLY creatures.
Let’s look at the 10 NBA Mascots most likely to kill you in a real life encounter.
10. Charlotte Hornet
Hugo the Hornet looks hella soft, does cool dances, and shoots t-shirts out of a t-shirt cannon. Real life hornets are far less friendly. A real life hornet is freaking sharp, full of poison, and will chase you up to 5 miles after it detects your scent. If real life hornets had access to a t-shirt cannon, they would just fill it with more hornets.
9. Boston Celtics Leprechaun
A sports leprechaun dances and gets the crowd hyped for sports. A real leprechaun knocks you out, fills your pockets with heavy gold coins, and dumps your body in a lake. If leprechauns aren’t bad news, then why are there so many horror movies about them?
8. Utah Jazz
Jazz music has often been used to torture unsuspecting victims. They get in an elevator and BLAM! Jazz coming out of the speakers like whoa. More people die from saxophone-related incidents each year than heart disease. Be careful around jazz, especially when it’s not in its natural habitat.
7. Brooklyn Net
The net knows everything about you. Everything is on the net. The net is everywhere. Be safe.
6. Sacramento Kings Lion
They make lions seem all cute in the movies. Slamson the Lion jogs into the crowd and gives high-fives to all the little kids. Real life lions are killing machines. The faster you run, the more fun they have chasing you down and disemboweling you.
5. Kawhi Leonard
If you encounter Kawhi Leonard in the wild, don’t panic. Kawhi Leonard can smell fear.
4. Orlando Magic Dragon
His name is Stuff the Magic Dragon, in order to avoid lawsuits from Big Weed. But even if this dragon weren’t high on magic heroin-shroom-crack, it would still be deadly because it can fly, breathe fire, the usual dragon business.
3. Washington Wizard
Wizards are the #3 cause of premature death. They have thousands of spells at their disposal and aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. Because they can just clean their hands (and the crime scene) with magic.
2. Toronto Raptor
There’s a reason the Jurassic Park films are such big hits. Remember when those raptors learned how to open doors? That was in the 90’s, just imagine how tech-savvy modern raptors are. If you piss off a raptor, you just gotta go off the grid. It’s your only chance.
1. Miami Heat
The heat is the most dangerous in real life. Folks can die from exposure to heat. Sometimes they’re stranded in a desert, they fall into a volcano, or they spontaneously combust. Heat doesn’t even have to do anything, it just has to exist and it kills people. Legend says Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot, was forged in the hottest depths of Hell and is resistant to both water and the vacuum of the space.
Don’t forget to watch the Orlando Magic take on the Phoenix Suns tonight.