NFL Week 11 Report Card

Well, we made it to Week 11! Close the tab showing your losing fantasy team, pour yourself a glass of whiskey, light your essential oil anti-stress candle, and take a look at the results from Week 11.

An actual performance evaluation! Somehow it looks gentler than the self-eval. We guess that’s the way of the world.

Turf: Turfs (turves?) everywhere were rated excellent. The lines were straight, the distances were accurate, the spelling and logos were correct.

Stadium Seats: Rated great, but as you can see here, great is the new average. There are always ways to make the seats better. Move them closer to the field, for example. Heated seats. Seats with built in toilets so you don’t miss any of the action while you pee. And bidets. Reclining seats. Free beer with your seats. More leg room. We believe the NFL can show some real improvement by next season.

Mascots: Mascots are the MVP of every game! They’re so cute and fun. There is literally no way to improve them. Unless you have more of them, but you have to keep the salary cap in mind.

London Games: Definitely exceeded expectations this week! The special London Game took place in Mexico City! Very snazzy, NFL.

Beer: Beer is great for the first few weeks. Then there’s cool October beer featuring pumpkin and apple flavors. But now it’s November, and we need something a little stronger to cope with our abysmal fantasy record and our IRL team’s injuries.

Pizza Deals: Always room for improvement with pizza deals. It’s nice that 50% of people get local team victory discounts–but what about the teams that did their best, showed their fighting spirit, kept football classy, but just didn’t score enough points? (The folks in Washington, DC have forgotten the taste of pizza.)

Truck Commercials: Major opportunities for improvement here. The commercials with the manly narrator and the words written on giant blocks of granite were cool 10 years ago. But we’re getting bored. Show us what we can really do with that puppy. Show the casual friends calling up the Ford F-150 owner to help them move across town. Show us how many coolers of beer and brats will fit so we can plan for our tailgate. Show us the high school kid pulling up to school in a brand new truck and automatically earning street cred. #trucks #justtruckthings

New York: New York has obtained the maximum number of football teams allowed! It is literally impossible to fit another football team in the state. Great work!

Titans: Titan Tennessees being a real cool Titan Team up in this piece. How do you even try to improve the Tsetse Titan? You can’t. If there were an option higher than exceeds expectitans, the tennessee would win.

Footballs: We’ve been throwing around the same ol’ pigskin for decades. It’s time to innovate!

Mouthguard Fails: Let’s do our best to keep the mouthguards secure going forward. Flu season is still here.

Fun: We are close to exceeding expectations. Once we get the improvements made to pizzas, trucks, and mouthgaurds, we will all be able to maximize our enjoyment of the game.

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