So u didn’t make the playoffs in ur fantasy league last year and u desperately want this year to b different, u want your friends n family or coworkers to respect you again. Here are some of the mistakes u made last year with your team and what you should do differently this season.
Last year, you didn’t draft Aaron Rodgers. U dummy. U should always draft Aaron Rodgers. Maybe you can pick him up on waivers or make a trade with someone to get him? If you have Big Aaron on ur team, u will go to the playoffs.
Last year, you forgot to start a kicker most weeks. Yeah, this is a huge rookie mistake that we see a lot, u just get super carried away with work, maybe ur in a couple fantasy leagues, you have to run errands on weekends (honeydew list isn’t getting any shorter am i right?) you didn’t notice your kicker had a bye week or you had to drop your kicker to pick up the last good QB on waivers so your brother in law couldn’t get him, whatever, LIFE HAPPENS. Well, this year, MAKE FANTASY FOOTBALL HAPPEN INSTEAD.
Last year, you didn’t drive to the stadium, steal a uniform from the groundskeepers, break into the locker room, and go through all the players helmets to collect hair for ur voodoo dolls. How lazy can u get?? Winning ur fantasy league takes work n dedication, ppl!!
Last year, you let ur 4 year old nephew play with ur iPad and he swapped out some of ur players and you didn’t notice in time. Hell no. Not this year. It doesn’t matter how much that little twerp cries, u paid for the ipad and u damn well better use it to win ur league. Besides, if you join a single-game pay league, you better not be jeapordizing winning actual money just so your sister in law will like you more.
Last year, you didnt drink a single Bud Lite. Have u been living in a cave? Well, if ur just emerging from your Football Drought Hibernation Period, Bud Lite is the official beer of the NFL! Will drinking bud lite guarantee u a playoff run? No. But will it hurt anything? No! So get chugging! In the spirit of fotball!
Last year, you let your pet bird poop on the sports section. We know birds can be picky and some birds really like crapping on Pete Carroll. But u could b missing out on valuable football info!!! So at least read the paper before ur parakeet does his business. Smh.
Last year, you didn’t make a snigle trade. We’re going 2 level with u, trades r the lifeblood of the NFL!!! Remember when the Jets traded Brett Favre for 100 collectors edition Disney Christmas ornaments and twelve of Minnesota’s 4000 lakes? Pretty cool deal. Remember to b like the Jets and trade to your hearts content!
Last year, you didn’t watch all of the football games, u watched one or two while u made that powerpoint presentation for work, u tivo’ed a few but didn’t watch them. Here is a fact for u to mull over: while your watching the game live, ur players score 40% more then they do if u show no faith in them and neglect them just so u can finish some stupid powerpoint. All for some silly promotion at work. Heres another fact 4 u: As soon as a powerpoint starts, 98% of ppl’s eyes glaze over. U can take that fact to the bank. Take our advice, close the laptop, Sunday is about football and FOOTBALL ONLY. Do u think Tom Brady would have won a SUPER BOWEL if he just sat around making powderpoints on GAME DAY?? NO HE WOULDN’T! Just think, on ur deathbed are u going to say, “I wish I would have worked more” or are u going to say “I wish I had won the fantasy chapionship of 2015”?
So get ur head in the game and go out there n WIN A CHAMPOINSHIP!