The Madden 16 game came out last week and anyone who is any1 has been up all nite every nite playing this game by football legend, math whiz, and wine connosiuer John Madden!

For those of u who haven’t decided whether to buy Madden 16 or just keep rolling out Madden 15, here is everything u need to know about the newest edition of America’s favorite video game!

B4 the game starts u must play 5 whole seasons of games as the Cardinals n Steelers!  This was a BOLD move by John Madden.  He wanted to make sure that ppl who play the game r truly committed and know what there getting into.  So u think the game is starting, it’s a real exciting game between the Cardinals n Steelers and oh cool ur playing as Big Ben himself.  Well, u r in a huge hurry to start playing Madden 16 for real, so… sorry, Big Bean, your just going to have him run into his own endzone n get tackled for an Official Madden 16 Safety.  Time to get this started!  No wait… the screen switches over the Cardinals team!  Um alright guess it’s time for a Carson Palmer safety so we can get this show on the r–oh wait it switches back to Big Ben again.  You decide to just get a bunch of safeties to make the actual game start sooner.  You are pumped to play Madden 16!!!  But wait even tho the game is over, u are still playing as Big Bean!  You go thru a whole Steelers practice, talk to ur coach, negotiate some stuff like ur salary and getting the window seat for ur week 2 game, go to the dry cleaners to pick up ur throwback bee outfit, yell at the dry cleaners when the grass stains from last year are still visible, run out of the dry cleaners b4 the owner can tweet something bad about u, go home n watch some footage from the cradinals game, rinse, repeat.  ok NOW you r ready to play the John Madden game for real!  JUST KIDDING NOW IT’S TIME FOR WEEK 2!  And because Roger Goodell’s Outlook crashed n he didn’t finish making the schedule, guess what ur playing the cardnals again!!!  U set the Madden 16 record for safeties n get a cool trophy for playstation profile it’s called “safety dance” or w/e.  Now ur ready for Madden 16–lol nah, dummy, now it’s time to play as a coach u get to b Bruce Arians!  U go to a practice n hang out with the Cards, go to the grocery store, text ur D line n give every1 some pointers on how to sack Big Roethlisburger b/c youre playing the Steelers in week 3, watch a sports movie on Netlflix (NOTE: u have to pick the movie.  B CAREFUL WHICH ONE U CHOOSE!!!  If u pick a football movie like The Replacements u get to keep progressing the pre-game stuff.  If u pick a different sport movie like She’s the Man or The Sandlot, then the game just directs u to the ea sports website where u can purchase Soccer 16 or Baseball 16.  And then when u try to go back to Madden 16 pre-game, you have to start again with Steelers vs. Cardinals week 1! smh), go to bed, n dream about football.  Then the week 3 game starts n your a little tired of this bs so u put the controller down n read some fantasy football forums.  4 hours later, u come back to the game, ur QBs were sacked 5000 times n u have a new ps4 trophy called “good in the sack” or “sack king” or something.  Then guess what, u have to play as Carson Palmer!  And after Carson Palmer is done with Cardinals practice, he has to go have a root canal and then go to jury duty.  Have fun with that one, fellow gamer.  Anyway, it just keeps going like this for 5 seasons by the time you’re done with this part and u get to the home screen, Big Ben has become the coach of the Cardinals adn Bruce Arains has had a midlife crisis and become the Steelers QB whoa.  Trippy.  neway NOW U R FINALLY READY TO PLAY JOHN MADDEN 16!!!  Congratulations!!!

New difficulty levels! Previous Madden games have used footballs terms like “rookie” and “Madden” and “football”.  Well Madden 16 will blow you away!  Now you can pick from “easy win for stupid babies” or “please just let me die” or “ultimate fires of hell eternal damnation n suffering” and everything in between!

Play as ur Favorite Mascot!  You can play the game as Billy the Seahawk or as that Viking or as the Arizona Kurt Warner.  So many options!!  Playing as the mascot is hard AF tho, you have to learn all the cheers and operate the t-shirt gun.  If you shoot two t-shirts into the same section of the stadium, you’re just auto-fired n you have to go find a different team to work for.

Team PR Manager: if u are up for a challenge, u can pick “PR MODE” and then do damage control as ur players deflate footballs, tweet obscenities, and cause various natural disasters like hurricanes n avalanches.  Behind the scenes work can b rewarding!

Money: If you’re pretend football game is good enough, John Madden himself will give you some money!  The game pays for itself!

Dragons!!!  U can download a patch that turns youre quarterback into a dragon.  All ur receivers double covered?  Well that’s no problem for Cam “THE DRAGON” Newton u just fly that ol’ football into the endzone yourself (and maybe devour some of the opposing players on the way? idk haven’t tried the patch yet).  If the fans start booing u can just breathe some fire at them, that’ll shut up those haters.  And obviously u will be the mvp b/c ur a dragon.

New Ultimate Madden 16 Soundtrack: Madden 15 didn’t have a soundtrack and boy did John Madden get some complaints about that blockhead decision!  So Madden 16 is full of the greatest hits of all time like “Ode to Joy” and “Ultimate Madden Best of Bagpipe Duets” (from John Madden’s personal collection of bagpipe cds) and a bunch of kick butt Drake songs.  Thank u, John Madden!

Now finally u can play as JOHN MADDEN!  Gamers have been clamoring for this for YEARS.  John Madden’s stats are MAXED OUT and u get some sick xp bonuses.  Rumor has it ea sports is developing a patch that will make every player on your team John Madden!  Just what we’ve always wanted!