Football Safety!

throughout football season and during the off-season when ppl have more free time because they aren’t watching football, much attention and research is devoted to football safety both on and off the field. it is estimated that the united states spends over $30 million a year on football safety which is 5 times more than annual defense spending! whoa!

The Deflategate Scandal has ppl really confused about football safety and proper equipment. Here are some frequently asked FAQs hopefully they will help u out!

1. how do i know if my football is injured?

examine ur football for surface damage. is it scuffed? squeeze it to see how inflated it is. if its scuffed or not fully inflated (or if it is too inflated) then i’m sorry to say ur football is hurt.

2. omg noooooooooo : ( what do i do???????

ok 1st relax u wont help n e 1 especially ur football by panicking. carefully review the damage on ur football. it might still be usable

how do i dispose of a football

this is important!  much like america’s greatest National Treasure our great flag Old Glory, footballs the symbol of americas greatest pasttime must be disposed properly!!!!!! option 1: u may bury it but it must be at least 4 feet underground and u MUST either shoot it with a silver bullet or cut off its head first idk its your choice. Option 2: Send it back to the official football manufacturing plant with a letter detailed ur footballs final moments the ppl there will dispose of it and who knows they might even send u a new football! Option 3: put it on a kick tee, get a real good running start (like at least half a mile) and kick it as hard as u can into outer space.

3. Do footballs feel pain?

idk and u don’t even want to imagine how much money the U.S. has spent trying to figure that out

4. Do football have feelings?

NO and what a HUGE WASTE of MIT’s money that project was.

5. I ran over a football with my dad’s truck once.


My football looks like this:


what do i do?

prolly time to buy a new football

6. there is a comet shaped like a football n its about to enter our solar system does america have any plans to do something cool in honor of america’s pasttime?

YES i m glad u asked!!! a recent endeavor by NASA will result in the launch of the U.S.S. Cool Football (it’s a huge rocket or w/e named after our fave sport) after it leaves orbit a GIANT CATAPULT mounted on the outside of the rocket will launch a football at the comet! And that isn’t even the coolest part. 2 months earlier, Retired Green Bay Packer, Author, and Dancing With Stars Champion Donald Driver will pilot a rocket and land on the comet and HE WILL B THERE TO CATCH THE FOOTBALL!!!!!!

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