Bears Plan To Leave Soldier Field

After a long season of reading articles about how terrible the Soldier Field turf is, the Chicago Bears attempted to purchase 300 acres northeast of Soldier Field to build a new stadium. This land, the Arlington Park property in the Chicago suburb Arlington Heights, was formerly the Arlington International Racecourse for horses.

Unfortunately, in true Chicago Bears fashion, a typo on the agreement resulted in the Bears purchasing Arlington National Cemetery.


Protestors have been gathering outside the historic cemetery all day, expressing their concern about disinterring the bodies and building a football stadium on a former graveyard.

“I can’t believe the Army would sell the cemetery,” lamented a history buff. “What about the unknown soldier and the presidents and stuff?”

That’s a lot of disinterments!

“The Bears can’t build a stadium there, it will be mega haunted,” said one concerned Bears fan. “That’s a military cemetery, so all the ghosts will know like fighting moves and have ghost-guns and ghost-swords and stuff. Bad idea!”

“I thought they were just going to get that horse place,” said another fan. “Ghost horses are no big deal. They don’t even have hands so they can’t hold a ghost-bayonet or whatever ghost people would use.”

Yikes, Bears, we hope you can get this paperwork snafu sorted!

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