NFL Week Six Report Card

Grades again? The NFL finally got un-grounded from prior weeks’ debacles!

Let’s dive into week 6.

Turf: We don’t know about turf, but some dude named Fields sure had a rough week!
Stadium Seats: Look, the stadium seats are starting to get uncomfortable. Some stadiums installed convenient cupholders. We guess that’s nice. Maybe add some recliners next.
Mascots: Folks love the cute NFL mascots! But after watching college football on Saturday, the fans voted and declared college NCAA football NFL Jr. mascots to be 25% cuter. We don’t know how the mathematicians came up with that, but they crunched the numbers and that’s why they make the big bucks!
London Games: Well, whichever boneheads were supposed to get on a plane to London really messed up big time! The whole stadium was packed with British American-football fans, and then no one ran out of the tunnel. Shame!
Beer: Apparently people are switching over to cider? And wine? Look, folks, the only official beer of football is beer itself! Grab your wine fridges, topple them over, and go grab a six-pack of Budweiser! It’s Miller time, bro!
Pizza Deals: Well, yet again, 50% of pizza restaurants had to have some kind of deal because the local football won the big game. And that means 50% of Americans are getting priced into eating pizza every week. We’re starting to think that Big Pizza is in cahoots with Big Cholesterol Medicine.
Truck Commercials: Where are the holiday jingles? It’s almost Halloween already, and we haven’t seen any trucks driving through the snow, Santas driving trucks, or golden retriever puppies wearing red bows getting pancaked by a big ol’ heavy duty pickup.
New York: Residents of Albany are wishing that they had a football team. They’re the capital after all, it’s only fair.
Titans: The Tennessee Titans did not lose during week six. Great job, Titans! Sometimes the most titanic performance is no performance at all!
Footballs: We sure saw some high-flying footballs! Flying down the fields, flying into the stands after a touchdown, flying through the goal posts, flying slightly to the right of the goal posts, flying slight to the left of the goal posts, flying into the goal posts and bouncing off all weird. Folks loved it. Good job, football!
Mouthguards: According to science, 100% of mouthguards have human saliva on them. Freaking gross!
Fun: Most people had fun, but not the thousands of people who showed up to the London Game and just had to stare at an empty field for four hours. Better luck next weekend!

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