Last weekend was a real wet fart for many of our fantasy football teams. So how did the NFL fare in Week Four?
Turf: Huh. We guess the Bears were on the road for week four.
Stadium Seats: Half of people who attended an NFL football game in person were disappointed in the excessive humidity that caused their legs to stick to the seats. Gross.
Mascots: Our fuzzy, smelly friends gave it their all and left everything on the field.
London Games: Finally! American football, the chief export of the United States, finally arrived in the UK! Great work, everybody!
Beer: Surveys show that one beer was consumed per viewer during the football games! And there were A TON of kids watching, and we know that they weren’t drinking. So grown-ups, pat yourselves on the back because you earned this A- fair and square!
Pizza Deals: We’re starting to think the NFL isn’t trying to improve their score on pizza deals. Come on, pal, surely there’s some extra credit assignments out there. Maybe bring in an apple for the teacher or something. Teachers love fruit. Some districts actually pay their teachers in apples instead of dollars.
Truck Commercials: Bring it on, we’re ready for the ones with the holiday music and the husband who doesn’t ask his wife if she wants a big red truck or if she’d rather have something more fuel-efficient or practical, but he goes out and drops $80K on a truck and does a reverse mortgage and pawns his wife’s grandmother’s jewelry to make it work. We like that commercial a lot.
New York: It’s about time Yonkers had a football team, are we right? Let’s get a petition started.
Titans: Everybody! America’s darlings the Tenensee Titsans went on the road all the way to Indiana and they brought back a W for the fans. But most importantly they had fun, which is why the NFL is getting an A in Titans.
Footballs: There was a wee bit of confusion on this topic across the pond. Hopefully they’ve cleared things up before next weekend’s games.
Mouthguards: The official dental insurance for the NFL has revealed that an unnamed player inadvertently (we hope) flushed a mouthguard down the toilet. Those things are expensive, people, show a little respect for your teeth!
Funs: The majority of people who attended an NFL game in person experienced the funs. Unfortunately one person didn’t complete the post-game fun survey. We all know how math works so that drags the score down. Better luck next weekend!