Rejected Alternatives to NFL’s Crucial Catch Campaign

Welcome to October, everybody! It’s time for Halloween decorations, pumpkin spice flavors in strange places, and the NFL’s annual Crucial Catch Campaign to raise awareness about cancer.

Crucial Catch has evolved over the years from the classic bright pink “save the tatas” to “save many different body parts, including some that are organs that you can’t see from the outside”.

Let’s take a look at the runner-up ideas for cancer awareness that were left on the cutting room floor!

Cold Shoulder
This campaign idea was the opposite of Crucial Catch! Instead of raising awareness, the Cold Shoulder campaign would have promoted ignoring cancer. “We’re tired of cancer getting all this publicity,” said the mastermind behind the campaign. “Cancer clearly can’t tell the difference between positive and negative attention. So let’s just stop talking about it. If we shun cancer, or give it the cold shoulder, maybe it will learn to leave people alone.”

Cancel Cancer
That’s a mouthful right there! Riding on the coattails of cancel culture, the Cancel Cancel Camp… the Cancer Clampett… the Cankle Clanker… the Clancy Cancel… this rejected campaign idea called for burning all the books about cancer. Whoa. The folks at NFL HQ squashed this suggestion right away. One source close to the NFL big wigs asked, “We’ve made so much progress in cancer research, why the would we burn a bunch of books about it?” Great call out!

Whoa, what are you doing with that match, pal?

Cancer!! Let’s ing Slit Cancer’s Throat and Feed It to the Dang Hogs
This campaign slogan was curb-stomped immediately for excessive violence. Pig farmers and animal rights activists expressed concern about the nutrition of hog food. “We’ve worked so hard to get our pigs healthy for ham season. Why would we make them eat cancer?” One anonymous NFL insider was put off by the language. “The word ‘dang’ is especially confusing. I mean, we start with such bold proclamations and then wimp out at the end. What a bunch of .”

Congrats to the NFL for kicking off another successful Crucial Catch Campaign! Remember everyone–cancer sucks! So get your check-ups and kick cancer in the nards!

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