Sports Examining “Heading” Rules After Shocking CTE Revelations

They’re at it again, folks! Doctors and Big Medicine are doing their best to make sports less interesting. Big Hospital recently released a groundbreaking study showing that hitting fast-moving projectiles (like soccer balls aka footballs aka FIFAs) with your head is dangerous and can harm your wrinkly think blob.

Sports fans are understandably disappointed that sports might get less cool, and athletes are bummed that they can’t make as many flashy sports plays and then brag that getting beaned in the forehead didn’t hurt at all.

Let’s take a look at the sports that are considering doing away with headers.

Soccer aka Football aka International FIFA Football Sport Friends
The most famous headers take place out on the ol’ pitch! Soccer players, who aren’t allowed to use their hands, frequently use their strong head and neck muscles to bonk the ball into position.

Javelin Throwing
In the early days of Javelin Throwing, athletes would play both offense and defense! The folks on defense would try to bonk the spear with their heads to knock it off course. Modern versions of this extreme sport long did away with the defensive aspect of the game, but now Big Javelin is considering a formal revision to their rule book to officially eliminate headers. Probably a good idea!

The earliest Javelin defender helmet in the Javelin Throwing Museum.

Anyone in a serious bowling league knows how to use their noggin to bash the ball into the pins and score a perfect game. But now the International Committee on Bowling is under pressure to reduce athlete head trauma. Now bowlers will never have a big audience.

Well, this one seems like a no-brainer. Trying to “head” the projectiles in this sport also results in a no-brainer.

Stay safe out there, athletes! Remember to use the meaty pink insides for thinking before you use the hard candy shell for bonking sports balls.

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