Various news outlets have issued apologies to disgraced Kentucky Derby winner and rumored drug addict Medina Spirit for their portrayal of his failed drug test.
“It was wrong to refer to Mr. Spirit as ‘degenerate scum’ in our article,” says one journalist who preferred to remain anonymous. “We understand that Mr. Spirit is a role model for many aspiring athletes, and we recognize that name calling and finger pointing do nothing to help the formerly respected racer get back on his feet. Or hooves or whatever.”
According to another unnamed journalist, “[Our paper] regret[s] labeling Mr. Spirit as an ‘immature party boy’ who is ‘nowhere near emotionally prepared to be in the national spotlight’. And we deeply regret printing that Mr. Spirit is too disgustingly drug-riddled to even be ground up for dog food. Although personally, I wouldn’t let my dogs near Mr. Spirit for fear they’d get a contact high. You don’t need to print that last part, right? Just say our paper apologizes, and we wish Mr. Spirit the best or some bull.”
“We apologize for reporting on his blood alcohol content,” added another esteemed journalist. “Even though it’s the most impressive number we’ve ever seen. We don’t even know how he was conscious. Frankly, it shouldn’t be possible. But we in no way want to support that kind of lifestyle or imply to young, impressionable readers that drinking and drugs are ‘fun’ or ‘cool’ or ‘lit’ or whatever the kids say nowadays.”
“Didn’t you see the picture? Sugar cubes, my ,” is the dissenting journalistic opinion. “You know that’s blow. Don’t ask me how I know blow, but I know blow when I see it. Cry me a river. With enough coke, I could have carried [jockey] John [Velazquez] on my back for ten ing furlongs in half the time. Did you see Preakness? Without the dust, Spirit is nothing. Bronze doesn’t get you on a Wheaties box.”
It sounds like the whole world of sports journalism is wishing you the best, Medina Spirit! Good luck on your next race!