NFL Week 8 Report Card

Week 8 Report Card looks legit.

Week 8, that’s half a semester! Turn off the TV and study for your midterms!

Turf: pass
We guess Turf was a pass/fail? Pretty hard to fail Turf, everybody has one. Except Oakland.

Stadium Seats: pass
We’d like to pass on the Stadium Seats and select the BMW Air-Conditioned Box Seats for People Who Drink a Glass of Chardonnay at The Game.

Mascots: B+
There were a few issues, but they were still entertaining. The Detroit Loins decided to spice things up and bring an actual lion to their game! They borrowed one from the Detroit Zoo but misplaced it prior to the game. So Detroit is having a super cool scavenger hunt right now, everyone is out looking for “Freddie Falcon” the Lion! The Atlanta Falcons are filing a lawsuit for copyright infringement. Freddie Kitchens is suing the Atlanta Falcons.

London Games: A-
The Rams and Bengals made it to London, only one person on the staff got airsick. At first the people of London were a little disappointed when they saw the Bengals record… but Fast Talkin’ Andy Dalton assured them that in America, the win-loss numbers are reversed, and the Bengals are undefeated.

Beer: Anything stronger?
Look, at this point in the season, it’s Bye Week Hell, fantasy is a mess, maybe your team has a losing record, and Coors Light just isn’t going to cut it. Maybe next season, Everclear can be the official beer of the NFL.

Pizza Deals: C
Great work yet again, 50% of the teams! Pizza owners everywhere are breathing a huge sigh of relief that their deals are contingent on football wins instead of basketball. For the next 8 months, there are three basketball games occurring at any given second.

Truck Commercials: C
Alright, now we want the super rugged one. We don’t have anything to haul, but maybe someday we will. And in the meantime, we can look like a total boss.

New York: A
The whole state is crawling with football teams, they’re everywhere.

Titans: A
Remember the Titans? We sure do! They’re from Tennessee!

Footballs: B
92% of football watch parties featured a dip in a football-shaped container or a cake shaped like a football. The other 8% featured a football stuffed with cake. You have to be careful with the projects you find on Pinterest, the cake ended up tasting like rubber and dirt.

Mouthguard Fails: fail
This seems to be the only area that needs improvement. Mouthguards don’t adhere well to facemasks, it’s basic physics. (Remember that? Neither do we!)

Fun: A-
Wow, these are the best scores yet! Keep up the hard work, maybe next week you’ll get a gold star.

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