Dallas Cowboys Owner and soon-to-be-defendant Jerry Jones exclaimed yesterday, “What a great game of football! This was the best day of my long life!”

“I stand by what I said,” Mr. Jones clarified, after receiving disapproving looks from his wife, children, and grandchildren. “This win over the Eagles was better than the other best days of my life, when the Cowboys won the Super Bowls back in ’93, ’94, and ’96.”

When asked what was so special about the Thanksgiving Day game, the octogenarian said, “I just love seeing the players jump in the giant Salvation Army kettle.”

“I like it when they pretend it’s a witch’s cauldron. That’s really fun. Or when they play peek-a-boo. I love to see it!”

“I have some really great ideas for next year’s touchdown celebrations,” Jerry Jones added. “If any of the players are interested. I’ve been workshopping these for a while.”

“Dad, the players want to make up their own celebrations,” said Jerry Jones’ son Stephen, who happens to work in the Dallas Cowboys C-Suite. Cool! “That’s the fun of it, they like planning their own shenanigans.”

“But hear me out,” said Jerry Jones. “This is how one of the ideas goes. The Cowboys score. Yay! The guy jumps in the huge Salvation Army kettle. It’s real neat. Then they bring out two more identical kettles! People are like, ‘Whoa, what’s going on?’ They turn all the kettles upside down, and the player pokes his head out and gives a little wave, so we all know which kettle he’s under. Then they start scrambling all the kettles! Whoa! And it’s real slow at first, and folks are like, ‘Yeah, yeah, he’s in the middle one,’ but then they start moving faster and faster and faster! Folks’ heads are spinning trying to keep track of the player. And then all the kettles come to a stop! And then we all pause for a few seconds so people can make their guesses. And then they turn over one of the kettles–and wow, what do you know, it’s empty! Where could he be? That’s what everybody in the stands is thinking, where is he? Where’s the main man who scored a touchdown? Then they turn over a second kettle and–hey, that one’s empty, too! Everyone is like, well, he has to be in the third one. But they turn that one over, and it’s empty, too! Hey, what gives! And then our main man scorer pops out of the first kettle! He was hiding inside all along, just pulling our legs! Everyone would clap and cheer. Of course, they’d be clapping and cheering for the Cowboys already, but now they’d be even more excited.”

“Dad, who’s the ‘they’ who will be moving all these kettles around?” asked Jerry Jones’ daughter Charlotte, who also happens to work in the Cowboys C-Suite.

“Don’t worry about it, they’ll get it done,” said Jerry Jones.

“But that’s way to long, dad,” said Jerry Jones’ son Jerry Jones Jr., who also happens to work in the Cowboys C-Suite. “The cameras aren’t going to follow the celebration that long, they need to show the replay and get going on the commercials.”

“Of course they’ll show it, everyone will want to see which kettle the guy is under,” said Jerry Jones Sr. “Let your old man handle the business decisions, kids. Who wants a lemon drop?”

We can’t wait to see how many Salvation Army kettles are on the field next year! We look forward to seeing all the celebrations!