NFL Week Nine Report Card

Uggghhh isn’t the season over with? Don’t we get a fall break from football? Mom and dad don’t even look at these report cards, the NFL could fail everything and it would still get to go the big dance.

Turf: Turf is like the handwriting grade, man. No one cares about it until it’s really bad and ruins your GPA and makes you trip and tear your ACL. GTFO, handwriting! We’re letting Siri handle our wordsmithing!

Stadium Seats: It’s getting colder and colder to sit outside. Heated seats wouldn’t be that hard to install. Do you want people to watch the whole game or leave in the first inning

Mascots: You can always count on these jolly cute a-holes to liven up game day! Fun fact: Sir Purr won 3% of the write-in votes for Alaska governor!

London Games: Another packed stadium in the London area, and the fans were expecting some American football players to run out and toss the ol’ pigskin around. But instead all they got was freaking Chelsea and Arsenal, followed by a Dua Lipa concert. What a snoozefest! Most people left after about 10 minutes. Come on NFL, let’s ship some football overseas next weekend.

Beer: Well, having an empty stadium in London definitely brought the grade down. But don’t worry, because folks on this side of the pond picked up the slack!

Pizza Deals: Bad cholesterol in the United States has gone up 70% since the start of these troublesome pizza deals. Let’s get some more ties back here, teams.

Truck Commercials: We get it. You wanted to do something nice for your significant other for the holidays. So you took out a second mortgage, sold all your teeth, and listed your family heirlooms on Offer Up. But you did it! You bought that big white truck for your S/O! Unfortunately you couldn’t afford the giant red bow to put on the top, but your significant otter doesn’t need to know.

New York: We could still fit some more F-ball teams into the great state. But if you tuned in on Sunday, you got to watch the most Newest York showdown where the NY Jets beat the NY Buffalo Bills. Whoa!! The Jets are good now, babyyyyyyyy!

Titans: The Tensea Tistans drove over to the neighboring state to play the Kansas City Chieves. Road trip! No matter where they go, the Teensy Tints always have a blast and do their best! Great work!

Footballs: The NFLers are finally learning that if you throw a football into the seats, Roger Goodell shows up at your front door, rings the doorbell, and kicks you in the nards. Some things just aren’t worth it.

Mouthguards: Don’t think we didn’t see you replace the mouthguards with wax lips, mister!

Fun: Whenever there’s a football, fun is had by all! Or in this case, most!

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