NFL Week One Report Card

The results are in! Let’s take a look at how the NFL did in week one!

Whoa, uh, we thought we could audit these classes.

Time to dig in and see what was driving these scores!

  • The turf barely passed in week one. Soldier Field gave a whole new meaning to “surf and turf” and State Farm Stadium gave a whole new meaning to “getting players injured with loose turf”.
  • Always room for improvement in stadium seats. Try air conditioning and free beverages, then we’ll talk about bumping up the grade.
  • The mascots got hardly any time on the television last weekend. Come on, camera folks, give the people what they want. The people want to see Sir Purr.
  • No football teams flew to London last weekend, and we hear the mood there was a real downer.
  • 99% of football viewers had a beer. Great work, everyone!
  • 40% of pizza restaurants had deals because the home team won. Neat! But let’s see if we can do better in week two.
  • We saw some trucks, but none of them were hauling footballs. Throw some ol’ pigskins in the pickup, then we’ll talk about an A.
  • New York has the most football teams per capita of any place around. Everything’s bigger in New York, as they say!
  • The Tennessee Titans
  • No footballs were injured in the production of week one football games, but they also didn’t do anything to dazzle us. We want to see some dazzle in week two.
  • Only 2% of football players got e coli from putting gross mouthguards that fell on the ground back in their mouths without washing them or putting them in the microwave first.
  • Fun was had by most. Not bad, not bad. But let’s step it up for week two!

GL next week, NFL! Let’s get those grades up so you can go to the fall dance.

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