The Leader of Golf, PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan, has issued suspensions for all the golfers who are playing in the infamous LIV Golf Event in London. And now the golfers who aren’t in London are having major FOMO!

“This would have been perfect,” lamented one non-participatory golfer who (for obvious reasons) would like to remain anonymous. “It would have looked like I wanted to play golf super bad, but in reality, I would never have to play golf again!”

We know what you’re thinking! “Golf has a commissioner??” Of course, silly! Who do you think suits up with scuba gear and dives into the lakes to retrieve the stray golf balls? Being a Sports Ball Commissioner is a lot harder than just schmoozing and hobnobbing and making speeches! Sometimes you gotta roll up your sleeves, pick some golf balls out of a dog turd–or ban a few players.

“I’m eternally grateful for this suspension,” an unnamed current LIV golfer shared via morse code in a dark alley. “Jay [Monahan] changed my life. I’m free.”