Atlanta Falcons insiders are reporting record profits–stemming from record jersey sales–since drafting Michael Penix, Jr., in the first round of the 2024 NFL Draft.

“Everybody wants a Penis Jersey,” said an employee of the Falcons Team Shop at Mercedes-Benz Stadium. “Uh, I mean, a Penix Jersey.”

“I knew drafting the Penis Kid was a great idea,” gloated a Falcons Businessman.

“I bought my grandsons each a Michael Penix, Jr., jersey,” said an Atlanta grandma. “They wear their jerseys every day! They won’t stop giggling, I don’t really get it, but it’s a treasure to see them so happy and excited about the football season.”

We can’t wait to see Mr. Penix Jr. take the field during the preseason games!