Well folks, the Fantasy Football season is almost upon us, and people are starting to tune back into sports news as they get ready for fantasy drafts.

Fortunately for Fantasy Football Owners, we are ready to bring you the hottest new statistics to help you make crucial draft-day decisions!

“I’ve been looking at the same old stats every year, like touchdowns and yards per carry, and my team never wins,” said a despondent fantasy owner. “I wish there was some new data I could look at and pretend to understand to help me make decisions.”

Look no further! We are pleased to bring you the official Tide Pods Eaten statistic! You’re welcome.

“Mr. Gronk was the spokesperson for Tide, he basically had to do a taste test,” said representatives of Rob Gronkowski. “He tried to get his buddy Tom [Brady] hooked, but it took a while. [Brady’s ex-wife] Gisele [Bündchen] really didn’t want him to start eating those things, said they weren’t ‘clean’ or whatever. But what could be cleaner than Tide? Well, Tom’s his own man now! He can eat as many Tide pods as he wants!”

“Really cleans me out before a broadcast,” former Saints QB Drew Brees was reported to have said to NBC Sportscaster friend Mike Tirico in 2022.

“Everybody loves me because of my name,” 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa told some close friends. “And I’m proud of my work as a player, you know? But I really want to be known for something else! I want to be the ‘Tide Guy’!”

Studies show that consuming Tide Pods is dangerous and that NFL players who reportedly eat Tide Pods might actually be giving the Tide Pods to their NFL-issued stunt doubles. Whoa! Be careful out there, everyone!