We made it, folks! Another Turkey Day of football is in the books, and the sports community is pouring over stats and anecdotes to bring you the stories you want to read about! Unless your team lost today, then you probably don’t want to read any sports stories.

Let’s take a gander at the highlights of the Thanksgiving Edition of Thursday Football!

Nearly half the fans in Detroit left the game at halftime! Ford Field was hoppin’ at the start of the Lions Packers game, but attendance plummeted at the half. “The game isn’t over,” shouted halftime performer Jack Harlow to the dwindling crowd. “There’s still another half, come back!” A bored fan shrugged. “This game sucks, and this halftime show sucks, I’m just going to go home and wash some dishes.”

Washington pranksters filled the Salvation Army cauldron with soup at halftime! Wow, lots happening at halftime! The Dallas Cowboy players who celebrated their touchdowns by vaulting into the iconic Salvation Army pot got quite the surprise! “Is this chicken noodle?” Asked CeeDee Lamb. “Hey, that’s my gimmick,” said retired cornerback and soup aficionado Richard Sherman.

The 49ers Seahawks game was almost cancelled because the camera operators couldn’t find any fans wearing turkey hats. “That would have been a disaster,” said a flustered NBC cameraman. “Less than a minute before we were going to scrap the whole game, we spotted someone in the last row wearing a turkey hat.” We can’t imagine a Turkey Game without the classic turkey hat. Bad vibes for sure!

Gamblers lost record amounts of turkey day dollars betting on the Lions. Bettors thought this would be the Lions’ year! But ol’ Jordan Love and the Pack had other ideas! “What a nightmare,” said a gambler. “Now I actually have to go shopping on Black Friday, I can’t pay full price for anything. Curse you, Detroit! You and your terrible halftime show!” “Should have watched the Dallas Washington game,” said a smug Cowboys fan. “We all got to see Dolly Parton!”

NFL insiders say that the league is hard at work to more evenly distribute the halftime stars at the 2024 Thanksgiving Day games. “We hear you, fans. Roger Goodell is personally looking into the Star disparity and will not rest until we have a solution.”

We already can’t wait for next year’s Turkey Games! Happy Turkey Day, everyone!