Today Michigan announced the suspension of head football coach and kleptomaniac Jim Harbaugh–and just days away from the Wolverines football program’s 1000th win when they defeat the Maryland Terrapins.

“Folks keep saying that,” complained Maryland head coach Mike Locksley. “Why does everyone assume we’re going to lose? Just because they’re the #2 team? Well, the Terps are going to bring everything we’ve got, so don’t count us out!”

Many people were left wondering, what is a Terp? The world may never know.

“We just can’t get our 1,000th win without Jim Harbaugh,” lamented Michigan fans. “He’s the heart and soul of Wolverine football! It wouldn’t be right to reach this milestone without him.”

Fans of #3 of Ohio State vehemently agreed. “That would be a darn shame to get a thousandth win without Harbaugh. You know what you have to do. It’s time to tank the rest of the season.”

“We fully support you refusing to win a game until Jim Harbaugh’s suspension is lifted,” said #4 Florida Seminoles fans.

“We’ll all be rooting for the Twerps on Saturday!” said the rest of the Big 10.

“I don’t believe this,” said Coach Mike Locksley. “It’s Terp. Short for Diamondback Terrapin. Educate yourselves! It’s a turtle, and it’s really cute.”

There you have it, everyone! Be sure to finish grocery shopping before noon Eastern time on Saturday so you can tune in and see the cute terrapin mascot!