When the Michigan Wolverines Sign Stealing scandal first broke, college football analysts thought the football employees would be un-hirable! But it turns out, there is a whole government organization dedicated to sign stealing!

“It would be a great opportunity,” said an unnamed government official who may or may not have been a real government official. “It’s like stealing football signs, but the signs are about nuclear weapons and not football, and they’re also not actual signs. Easy peasy.”

“Apply today!” said the banner ad for the CIA on LinkedIn.

“Don’t ask what your country can do for you,” said former President John F. Kennedy. “Ask how freaking cool you would look if you were a spy and you got to wear a cool trench coat and watch people through eye-holes that you cut out of a newspaper.”