The Texas Rangers may have won the MLB World Series, but no one feels like celebrating after seeing the petri dish results from the surfaces of the World Series baseballs.

“Frankly we’ve never seen a biohazard like this before,” said a baffled microbiologist. “Both teams really should go through a full medical workup asap. I can’t believe they all touched these baseballs and are still standing.”

“We took a sample from several different baseballs. The results from Game Two to Game Four were progressively more aggressive.”

“Obviously we’re most concerned about the pitchers,” said medical staff. “We all saw them licking their fingers, throwing the ball, licking the fingers that just touched the ball, throwing another ball, licking their fingers again… we all just thought it was gross.”

Congrats to the Texas Rangers and good luck to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the offseason. Stay healthy out there, folks!!